I Am Stepping Away From Social Media

My unfiltered thoughts

Photo by Albert Stoynov on Unsplash

Social media is unnecessarily divisive, harmful to mental health, and used to leverage our attention for money. Simultaneously, it has connected me to wonderful people, helped me create other sources of income, and helped me reflect in many ways. Being on Instagram has had negative and positive impacts on my life.

Growing up we didn’t have money, I was constantly verbally abused by my father, and I was viciously bullied at school. I felt like I did not have control over my life. This feeling worsened when my father died.

I turned to controlling my body to find that sense of control, so I focused on fitness and nutrition. I turned to social media when I thought I had found that sense of control. I thought the validation of strangers would make up for what I was missing in my life. Maybe being internet famous would give me the love and validation I was craving.

So, I spent years arguing, writing, and posting videos of myself to build up this audience to become an influencer. As I was gaining more recognition during the years and rubbing shoulders with those I admired. I thought being internet famous would give me everything I wanted. I wanted fame, recognition, money, and influence.

As soon as I got some of those things it scared me. People wanted to know about the real me and clung to my every word. It scared me because I didn’t understand myself. I never took the time to explore myself and my emotional needs. I just held up what I did and what I knew to cover up for what I was missing.

Being social media famous and making a lot of money from it was not going to fix all of my issues. It took me 8 years to figure that out. It feels like an endless cycle where the algorithm awards the worst behavior and the most barebones style of content to keep people distracted from themselves and their lives.

I hate participating in that distraction and weighing my worth based on how many people like my posts or view my videos. My most popular video to date, a dumbass meme based on the horror movie Terrifier, received a quarter of a million views and it depresses me. It depresses me that our society awards mediocre content that we stuff our faces with rather than deep reflection and consideration.

I know these distractions are purposeful and aim to pacify us while big tech makes more ad revenue, but it still depresses me. All the work, all the research, and all the time I played in this social media game and I am still not remotely where I wanted to be. What bothers me more is knowing I am not where I wanted to be because I didn’t sell out enough. I refused the sponsorships and the deals to have more integrity, but the sad truth is integrity doesn’t make you a lot of money in our capitalist hellscape. You have to sell a part of yourself and or step over other people to get what you want. But even when you get what you want it is hollow and does not fulfill you.

I thought the pursuit of fame would have healed the little boy inside me who felt scared and neglected. However, I have now come to the scary realization that fame does not solve our issues but worsens them. I want control back in my life, I want to feel less alone and afraid. I know that posting stupid ass memes will not get me that. Sure, posting stupid memes might get me a shot of dopamine from the likes and comments but it will never solve the deep hole inside of me that wants something deeper.

I am the guy who taught himself nutritional science and wrote for actual dietitians while I was studying for two unrelated degrees in college. I was the guy who wrote a book on critical thinking and sold dozens of copies. I was the guy who lost over 100 pounds with sheer fucking will. Part of me wants to go back to that guy, a driven and determined person, but this time I want to be driven and determined for the right reasons. I don’t want to go home after working a long day thinking about the next meme I can post to threads because I want another 100 thousand views on a post.

I want to be the guy who isn't resentful of my father for being abusive and isn’t resentful of my mother for enabling it. I want to be the guy who has meaning and purpose in his life by being of service to others. I want to be the guy who works towards a better tomorrow for everyone. I want to be the guy who can express his thoughts and emotions in a healthy way in which I am respected. I want to be the guy who is in a healthy loving relationship where I feel safe and appreciated. I’m not sure how I can be that guy while obsessively using social media to try to validate myself.

I need to step away from social media to be the person I want and need to be.